Day to day life of Tom Kingsman.

This is just based on the idea of a story of someone questioning where to go from where they are I suppose... Hope it is as interesting to read as it is to write.  

14/11/12


Well, this is strange, I have been panicking a little recently about little things I looked it up and I do not agree what the internet has been telling me.  Apparently I have some sort of anxiety disorder but I find that hilarious this is the internet what does it know about me from a few questions but it had a recommendation to talk to someone so I thought I would talk to my self instead so... hello diary?

I feel a little girly calling it a diary but I suppose that is what it is.  

My day?  Is that where I start?  Well I got up did some simulations and came back here to my apartment alone.  I don't even know what I am trying to achieve anymore with my thesis, I suppose I am trying to work out the non ionized electrons in superconductors move at different currents but that's irrelevant and you don't care.. why would you care your a word document you don't have feelings you don't understand or think.  Basically I don't know where to go from where I am and there is no help anymore not real help.  I finished in the top 5 of my class, managed to bag my self a research post and then I can't even manage to do a competent introduction and I am one month in.  

Sometimes I feel I shouldn't have gone into physics I mean it makes me "happy" in a sense that it is the closest to happy I have ever manage to find but what can I achieve in the grand scheme of things? Well I suppose what can anyone achieve from life?

Non of that matters though.  It's is all just something I have to do I suppose just sometimes it feels like the world is caving in on me until the world seems so close to me that I can no longer breath or move and it was fine it used to be when I was alone with a calculation I couldn't figure out and usually I would get over it and just continue but It happened in the computer lab today in front of this third year, she got me a glass of water and sat me down and as soon as I felt I could move of my own accord I just apologized and left.  That was the most embarrassing moment of my life.  I admit this is a problem but its not anything that wont go away.  

Well it was nice talking to me and well I feel kind of better.  Who knows Maybe this might actually me a semi decent solution.  

anyway night?

15/11/12

So it's Thursday morning.  I am sat here with my coffee and well I feel I should admit because only I can read this anyway I mean who else is going to see my laptop? so it's a bit more than I don't know what to do with physics, I don't know what to do with anything anymore.  I did physics because I could do it I got decent grades and no point doing something you can't do but I don't care about it and I don't remember caring about anything.  here I am 22 a full grown man living on my own but I just can't see why I should do anything.  I wish I didn't do theoretical physics I sit on my own in my room writing programs for 30 seconds worth of a simulation.  I wish I was good at something that was important I can't draw to save my life, I tried to play guitar but my fingers are too big and clumsy and I can't even talk to women normally.  I say this I tell my self it can't be as bad as I make it out to be I just need to get out more I suppose.  I am going to buy a copy of halo 4 today and just occupy my self with that and just get through my doctorate and just keep going its all you can do.  but sometimes I wish I was free to just... I am not going to say it but yeah that's enough writing for now I think.  

OK well that was a productive day.  spent chasing up a load of references of "recommended reads" of others work and I have read them all before its not exactly ground breaking research now is it.  I got my game though and its pretty awesome can't wait to get back to it I am only here while I am waiting for the chips to cook I have about 20 minuets yet.  

I saw that woman again I sort of walked in the opposite direction when I saw her and hid behind the corner which sounds a bit pathetic but I don't lie talking to people unless I have to.  I hate people and I hate being alone what can you do. 

But you know what life's good.  I have a crate of cider waiting for me in the fridge and a load of noobs to thrash on infinity.   Is it sad that that is the highlight of my life so far, probably ever I mean what am I going to do anyway that's worth anything?  well maybe its not but I can't remember anything else it's all just sort of a grey-ish blur.

FOOD SMELLS READY!!!  "DIP THE MASHED POTATOES IN THE BARBOQUE SAUCE YUM YUM GIMMY!" it popped into my head and I felt the need to quote tobuscus OK? http://youtu.be/hmCxs2_ztPE
but what I was going to say was time to drown my chips in sauce